Post by Mandark on Apr 25, 2020 14:29:09 GMT
Alrighty. Like always, going through this one as I read it.
Initial sections are fine. I did fix the lack of a center tag on your appearance image though. Not sure how that broke in the template. I also removed the explanation paragraph you had left in the overall appearance from the character template explained thread.
Initial sections are fine. I did fix the lack of a center tag on your appearance image though. Not sure how that broke in the template. I also removed the explanation paragraph you had left in the overall appearance from the character template explained thread.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Appearance
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]This section meets length requirements. Just a few editor notes. "It's also a fairly deep dark" - I think you meant to have an actual color there? "Though the justice of that feeling wouldn't be given justice." - Not really sure what you meant with this clause. Maybe reword that sentence a little? Otherwise this section is good to go.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Personality
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Personality Summary is about half the length I'd like to see. The remaining sections. You're a bit over the minimums for the list sections, but not enough for me to feel comfortable ignoring that. I know you're still working on developing Izumi's character though, so I'm willing to give this one a temporary pass as long you promise to update it once you have a better feel for her personality. Note for posterity, this temporary pass is only being given since we are currently in beta. No real issues in the content though. I got a decent feel for her personality through this section.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Lore
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]This section is also a bit shorter than I'd like to see, but more importantly I noticed some stuff missing from our conversations on discord. The big thing I see missing here, and that you've alluded to elsewhere, is the various periods at which she was worshiped. We'd talked about her being Eos, the goddess of the dawn. You mention people think she is a god of death, yet there is no mention of that in her lore. I think you could pretty easily get a paragraph describing how two civilizations came to worship her and her interactions with at least two of those different civilizations. This part I would like to see done before I approve the character.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Combat
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Unfortunately this section is also about half the size I'd like to see. This section is a good start. You could talk more about how she uses her scythe, or what her battle plan is for utilizing her Noble Phantasm in combat. I am also okay with this section being fleshed out more after approval, since I understand you're still getting a feel for how she fights and how to describe that.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Noble Phantasm
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Noting that we discussed the need for additional properties via discord. Please include a very obvious header for each property that specifies what property number it is, the name of the property, its rank, and whether it is activated or passive. I would remove the "half as effective" part from the lingering effect. It's fine to let that be full power. For visual effects, what is the appearance of that lingering effect? You can reword the duration section to be more concise since they used the same post counts.
No functional issues, just a little cleanup there.
No functional issues, just a little cleanup there.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Stats/Skills/Techs/Grail Shards
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]40 stats = 15 Grail Shards Spent
15 Core Skill Ranks = 0 Grail Shards
5 Technique Slots = 0 Grail Shards
Math checks out to me. I see no issues with this section on numbers, except for not utilizing all of your NP stat, but we covered that above.
15 Core Skill Ranks = 0 Grail Shards
5 Technique Slots = 0 Grail Shards
Math checks out to me. I see no issues with this section on numbers, except for not utilizing all of your NP stat, but we covered that above.
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[attr="class","subheader"]//Conclusion
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Overall this is a solid profile. There's a few sections that need a little bit of expansion, but mostly I just need to see some minor edits. Really just the lore and Noble Phantasm that I want to see improved before I approve this profile. Definitely a good draft, and I look forward to seeing those improvements!