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Post by Mandark on Apr 16, 2020 17:25:02 GMT
[attr="class","sectionheaderbg"] [attr="class","sectionheader"]//Grading Round 1
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Grading this for Unknown Hero per our discussion. Going through this grading section by section, including commentary. So if something is written that you address later, keep in mind these comments are as I read the application.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Intro
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]For age you currently have "?" Please update that to "age unknown" or "ageless" just for a little clarity 
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Appearance
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]I still really like that art. I just wonder if Duo is capable of keeping a shirt on... Length is above requirements for this section for Unknown Hero. I like the aesthetic in his outfit choice. It actually hints at his origin and his nature, which is always welcome to see.No issues in this section.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Personality
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]At first glance, the general personality section is shorter than I would like to see, but length of text in the rest of the personality sections exceeds requirements enough that I am not requesting a change. I really like how well his personality is tied to his Lore. Very well done on this section. No changes requested here.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Lore
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Please add "Born" and "Home" before Hell and Nomadic respectively. That was a template update after you started Duo. Length of this section is sufficient as your first and third paragraphs are very meaty. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more detail in this section, because I know our conversations about his lore covered quite a bit more, but that's not a requirement by any means.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Combat//NP
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Combat section daggers, and the Noble Phantasm doesn't talk about it's appearance at all. I would appreciate a little clarity here since I know his Noble Phantasm is a scythe from our conversations.
At current, Duo has spent 6 points on his Noble Phantasm, but has 8 available based on his current rank. You may wish to add an additional D-Rank property to his Noble Phantasm, or increase the power of existing effects.
For Death Incarnate: Last Harvest, this effect needs a cooldown or limit. I will suggest appending: "This property can only be triggered once every 3/3/2/2/1/1 post(s) (at rank E/D/C/B/A/EX)." While the killing condition does mitigate it, it could be abused in circumstances with civilians very easily without a cooldown by killing a dozen people in a single post.
For Mask, we need to quantify "weak enough in will" and "drain more mana." Honestly, given that this is a purely cosmetic effect, I would be fine with completely removing this restrictions and reducing this to Rank E. If you want to make it stronger instead, I would add an Aura of Fear component with a duration of 4 posts after activating Mask. Such a property would be resisted by Bravery.
In conclusion though, I really like Duo's whole theme. Mask is a really creative property especially and I really like it.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Stats//Skills//Spellbook//Techniques
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]You currently have 26 stats (1 grail shard spent). You've only spent 8/10 class skill ranks. 21/15 core skill ranks spent (6 grail shards spent, 7 total). 6 techs/skills. That's another grail shard spent, with one extra slot open. 8 of 15 Grail Shards spent total for your initial allocation.
You have spells, but have not taken Magecraft as a skill. You need Magecraft ranked at least E for your current spells, with Illusion as a known spell school.
Please update "Speed" to "Agility" as that part of the template has been updated.
Please allocate your remaining 7 Grail Shards.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Conclusion
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Honestly there's only a few minor issues to fix here. Everything is fairly solid. Just a few more grail shards to spend and some minor fixes. Overall I'm pretty happy with this character and look forward to writing with you!
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Post by Mandark on Apr 17, 2020 1:26:23 GMT
[attr="class","sectionheaderbg"] [attr="class","sectionheader"]//Round 2
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Looks like you got all the little details wrapped up nicely. Template is all updated nicely. Just need to clean up a few details on skills/stats/noble Phantasm.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Stats
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]25 Allocated. No grail shards needed. Since you have 6 Grail Shards left by my math, this is my recommendation:
[b]Strength:[/b] D+[break]
[b]Agility:[/b] D+[break]
[b]Endurance:[/b] D+[break]
[b]Magical Power:[/b] E-[break]
[b]Magical Capacity:[/b] D[break]
[b]Noble Phantasm:[/b] C-[break]
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Skills
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]23 points allocated, for 8 shards. Still only have 8/10 ranks for class skills spent. You'll want to bump Information Erasure and Unpredictable Attack to A unless you want to pick up two ranks in Critical Hit or Presence Concealment. Magecraft Rank D gives you a second spell school to master. General Magecraft is known automatically. You could take curses since that's his origin to represent the study of it, or whatever else you think sounds fun. Or just reduce it to Rank E. Recommendation:
Independent Action - A (Counter Guardian)
Information Erasure - A (Class Skill)
Unpredictable Attack - A (Class Skill)
Charisma - A
Weapons(Scythe) - B
Instinct - C
Disengage - A
Divinity - D
Acting and Disguise - B
Magecraft (School: Illusion) - D
Also noting still one shard spent on technique/spell slots.
[attr="class","subheaderbgfull"] [attr="class","subheader"]//Noble Phantasm
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Noting we discussed properties 5/6 are actually E-Rank. For these ones I'm going to just code in some recommended edited versions to help fill in the clarity I'm looking for on some of these properties. These are suggested edits though, and we can happily talk numbers or flavor if you dislike the suggestions.
Because Death is ever-present, and every culture has anthropomorphised in some fashion, Death has many forms. This manifests in a visage that is unremarkable, forgettable and subject to perception. If one is weak enough in will, Duo can alter what he may look like to them. He will always be human. Minor changes such as eye or hair color can be activated for free. Larger changes such as large differences in bodyweight, race, or skin color have the standard E-Rank cost of 10 mana and lasts for 2 posts before needing to be refreshed.
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Reworded for clarity. Cost adjustment since this is a cosmetic-only E-Rank property with a limited target effect. It's more an illusion than shapeshifting, so it's a fairly tame effect.
Pestilence is the first horseman, bringing with him disease and death. A force that sweeps through civilizations and cripples countries. Once activated, Duo begins to exude diseases through the very nature of his Mana for 4 posts. Anyone foolish enough to breathe within 3/6/9/12/15/20 (E/D/C/B/A/EX) meters of him immediately begins to feel mild symptoms of illness. This progresses over 4/3/3/2/2/1 posts for each stage (E/D/C/B/A/EX). The disease progresses through three stages, which continue even if this property is deactivated:
[ol type=decimal][li]Fever, weakness, and fatigue. (Minor Wound)[/li]
[li]Severe aches and pain. Gastrointestinal distress including diarrhea and vomiting.(Moderate Wound)[/li]
[li]Unexplained hemorrhaging, bleeding, or bruising. (Major Wound)[/li][/ol]
Anyone foolish enough to absorb his Mana while this is active immediately jumps to the final stage of disease. Like other wounds, this can be combated by healing magic, but the effect can be continually re-applied until Duo is defeated or the fight ends.
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]I used Ebola symptoms since you didn't specify, and that sounds rather terrifying lol. Gave it a duration, specific symptoms, specified how it interacts with healing magic, and gave it some clear stages.
War is the second of the horsemen, drawing bloodshed out of malcontent and warfare out of minor slights. He can invoke feelings of bloodshed. At a given rank of this property, anyone within 3/6/9/12/15/20 (E/D/C/B/A/EX) meters of Duo is inflicted with the negative effects of Mad Enhancement at the same rank as this property. The only difference is that their bloodlust will also fade if Duo deactivates this property. It lasts 4 posts by default, but can be refreshed. At the lower ranks where Mad Enhancement can be deactivated at will, victims will still be re-enraged if they stay within Duo's range.
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Specified duration and range. Clarified "berserker" to be the Mad Enhancement skill. Clarified that it does not give them the stat buffs of Mad Enhancement. Gave it the double-edged sword of Duo being able to stop their rage at will, but also having to spend upkeep mana if he wants to keep it going.
Famine is the third horseman, a force that stems from neglect and despondence. Every action while within 3/6/9/12/15/20 meters of duo seems to sap their reserves faster as their bodies are pulled towards malnutrition. Each action they take within that range tires them 20/35/50/75/100/200 (E/D/C/B/A/EX) percent faster.
[attr="class","paracontentfull"]Gave it some numbers and expanded it to have numbers for ranks through EX. Seems fine otherwise.
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Post by Mandark on Apr 17, 2020 1:50:16 GMT
All edits have been made as requested. Approved!
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Post by Mandark on Apr 17, 2020 1:53:08 GMT
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